Last Wednesday, just hours after my last post, I received a call from my doctor's office saying that my blood work came back positive for Down's Syndrome. They asked that I come in and meet with the doctor the following day to discuss the matter and speak about what our options were.
My world crumbled. As soon as I hung up, I broke down and cried as I have never cried before. It was a cry filled with a sense of panic. I knew I had to call Clint right away so that he would be able to take the time off the following day to go with me. My husband, being the stronger one, was calm and reassured me that regardless of the outcome, we will get through it. (love that man). I was still so upset that the intense crying made me sick and I tossed my cookies.
I immediatly got online and did my research. I told myself that since 1/250 seemed to be the average of what women were reporting their tests came back as, I told myself my magic number would be 1/178. I don't know why..but this is the number that came to me. I told myself that if the doctor told me that number or anything higher, I would not panic. I was sure they would come back higher. I described to Clint on the way there that I felt as if I were on my way to a funeral. This may sound harsh...but it was the best way I was able to describe my feelings. I felt as if I had to say goodbye to the healthy baby I thought I had been caring for for the past four months and learn to welcome the idea of a new, unhealthy version of what I had just lost. When we were called into the doctors office....the thing I remember most was that the number he gave me was 1/54. I was in complete shock. My heart sank. It was so much worse than I had ever imagined.
The doctor asked if I had any questions. Before arriving, I had a million but at that moment I couldn't think of any except what our next steps were to get further confirmation and also, how would the birth or care of the baby be any different after the birth (at the hospital). To my first question, he said that I must go to get a more intensive ultrasound the following week and meet with a specialist at the hospital. That is scheduled for Wednesday. If that was unable to confirm for sure, I would be getting an amniocentesis. We would first have to weigh the chances of the baby having Down's versus the chance of miscarriage that exists with the test. Next, he said the birth would not be much different, but that I may need to give birth at a different hospital where there are doctors specialized for these types of cases in case the baby needs any types of surgeries or special care.
After leaving the office, I felt defeated. I picked Jude up and put on my brave face. I took him home and went in his room with him and just watched him play for hours. All I could think about was the challenges this baby my face and how this may affect Jude. I had an overwhelming sense of guilt. I already felt a little guilty about having a second child because of the attention it would take from Jude, but just imagine a what a child with special needs will entail. I kept telling myself that Jude was loving and caring enough to handle the situation...which I am confident he is. At the same time...I still had the guilt. Would he feel like he always had to defend his brother/sister when others make comments, would he be embarrassed, etc. When Jude took his nap, I held him and cried....for hours. My brave face was gone. The entire day, minus the appointment, I had not left the house, done anything productive or even turned on the lights in the house. I just closed the curtains to be left alone with the thoughts and tears. I was at a very low place.
The things I kept thinking about was how guilty I felt for Jude and for Clint. We tried so hard to get pregnant with this baby...not only could I not give him a baby quickly and on my own (without medication), but I couldn't give him a healthy child either. I also thought about whether I would be able to work once the baby arrived, what types of special schools or therapies I needed to look into. I even thought about who would care for our child if Clint and I were to pass away. Most of all, I thought of all the things our child will not be able to do because of the condition. There are so many emotions involved when you receive news of this magnitude.
I keep telling myself, there must be a mistake. They must have my due date wrong or maybe because I had Gestational Diabetes last time...and may have it this time...this may have affected my results. I even thought tht maybe they had a mixup and switched my bloodwork with someone elses.
I am trying to remain optimistic that the ultrasound on Wednesday will not find any signs of Down's Syndrome, but anytime I do, I remind myself not to get my hopes up. This may be our fate.
If it is in fact positive, I am confident that Clint and I are strong enough to handle this type of situation. We have said before ever hearing the news or even being pregnant that we would be the type of people who could really handle that type of situation never expecting to receive such news. I am reassured that because of our strong marriage, wonderful support system and most of all our faith that we will be able to handle and make it through any outcome we are given.
It's funny that at a time like this that you realize just how many people truly care about you and your family. People I haven't spoken to or seen in years have gone out of their way to show they care...without even knowing the entirety of the situation. They just knew something was wrong and they really pulled through with their kind words and gestures. I am overwhelmed with the amount of love that surrounds us.
I hope you all keep us in your prayers. I am praying that the appointment Wednesday dispells any sign of what the bloodwork showed. If not, I pray that we are able to do our best to be great parents to a child with special needs while balancing the rest of our lives.
I know that if we are indeed blessed with a special needs child, there was a reason. God must know that we could handle it and Jude will learn so much from the situation.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Happy New Year!
I know there has been a large gap in time since the last time I posted anything to my blog. I am ashamed. I know that I said I would get better about it but I have made a vow to really put forth more effort now that a lot of stress has left my life.
Let me explain....
My husband and I had been trying to conceive another miracle for over a year and were facing our share of problems. It was a stressful time and since the issues were my own, there was a lot of guilt involved. As a wife who wasn't able to give her husband what he wanted, another child, I began to feel inadequte regardless of the support my wonderful husband showed.
My doctor recommended that I try Clomid. I had three chances to get pregnant. If none of those doses worked they would recommend that I go a more invasive route. I had to begin with (10) pills at the start of the process, had a waiting period and then had to continue with (4) more days of pills. Then there was a (10) day period of baby making. Finally came the grueling part..waiting to see if it had worked. I must say that I was overly confident that it would work the first time around. Therefore, when it didn't I was overwhelmed with disappointment. The whole process is one full of emotions and tough on a marriage. After locking myself away and crying for days...I pulled myself together the best I could and tried to be positive about the next round. Again....when it didn't work I was devastated. I was an emotional wreck. I then decided that I needed to accept that we were already thoroughly blessed to have a child, let alone a beautiful, healthy child. I had basically given up on the idea we would ever be a family of four (or more). I know that others struggle with fertility issues and never conceive at all, so I was grateful to have Jude. I was hesitant about even doing the last dose because I was scared of the disppointment that I was sure was going to follow, but did "just in case" this was our chance.
When test time came, I was terrified. I took the test early on a Sunday morning. Clint and Jude were still sleeping and our friend, Kyle, who stayed overnight was as well. When I saw the result was positive....I started hyper-ventilating and then was in denial. Over the past year I had gone through TONS of tests and the expense was becoming out of control. So, I kept saying that because it was an off brand test, that it must be wrong. When Clint woke up for church, I told him that I wasn't going to church...that I wasn't feeling well. I really wasn't....like I said I was hyper-ventilating and I was a mess of nerves by that time...so I was not lying to get out of going to church. I love going to church as a family. Kyle left shortly after to head back home and as soon as he pulled out of the driveway, I packed Jude up and headed out the door to get more tests! After three more positive name-brand tests...I was thrilled!
I had purchased a shirt for Jude that said "Big Brother" on it about seven months prior because I was that confident that I would get pregnant quickly. Luckily, the shirt still fit! That night, we had Selection Sunday and since Clint's football team had made the play-offs, it was a big day. All the players, parents, some fans and our family went to the school to see the announcement of who the New Lothrop Hornet's would face in the first round. I drove seperate and had Jude in his shirt with a rain coat over it. I went to the auditorium and after Clint spoke to the crowd, I went to meet him after everyone dispersed. I asked Clint to take off Jude's rain coat...that it seems uncomfortable. He did. I asked if he liked his new shirt and he said "yeah, it's cool" thinking that I meant the hood that was attached to it. I asked "did you see what the front says?" He looked again and was in disbelief and was over joyed!
I set up a doctor's appointment right away to confirm that everything was good. They ordered an ultrasound for that week to ensure there was only one, single baby since the Clomid increased the chances for multiples. Even after getting confirmation that everything looked normal and healthy, I was still uneasy. I still thought it was too good to be true. I thought for sure I would have a miscarriage, even though I had never had one before. I just thought that because of all the medication I was on, something was sure to go wrong.
After a few more appointments and hearing the heartbeat, I began to feel more at ease.
I had to tell a few people an alternate version of this story because I was so sure that I was just getting my hopes up or that I would miscarry. There were people who knew that we were trying and that it was just about test time...but until getting confirmation from the ultrasound...I didn't want to tell anyone anything quite yet and they were asking lots of questions. I didn't want to tell people I was pregnant, then go to the doctor and not hear a heartbeat and then have questions come up like "how is the baby?" Get it? So hopefully, they understand after reading this.
Anyways, we didn't "announce" for quite some time, as we were both very nervous. We told close friends and family only. Then finally, just recently actually...we told the world.
So, that has been what has kept me away from my blog so long. Straight up stress! No more excuses though...I am back and ready to get back to my projects and posting about them. There may not be much painting involved in my upcoming projects...and if there is...I will be equipped with a face mask. I hope you are as excited as I am to see what craft, yummy things that 2011 has in store for all of us!
Hope everyone's CHRISTmas was wonderful and that the New Year brings much happiness.
Let me explain....
My husband and I had been trying to conceive another miracle for over a year and were facing our share of problems. It was a stressful time and since the issues were my own, there was a lot of guilt involved. As a wife who wasn't able to give her husband what he wanted, another child, I began to feel inadequte regardless of the support my wonderful husband showed.
My doctor recommended that I try Clomid. I had three chances to get pregnant. If none of those doses worked they would recommend that I go a more invasive route. I had to begin with (10) pills at the start of the process, had a waiting period and then had to continue with (4) more days of pills. Then there was a (10) day period of baby making. Finally came the grueling part..waiting to see if it had worked. I must say that I was overly confident that it would work the first time around. Therefore, when it didn't I was overwhelmed with disappointment. The whole process is one full of emotions and tough on a marriage. After locking myself away and crying for days...I pulled myself together the best I could and tried to be positive about the next round. Again....when it didn't work I was devastated. I was an emotional wreck. I then decided that I needed to accept that we were already thoroughly blessed to have a child, let alone a beautiful, healthy child. I had basically given up on the idea we would ever be a family of four (or more). I know that others struggle with fertility issues and never conceive at all, so I was grateful to have Jude. I was hesitant about even doing the last dose because I was scared of the disppointment that I was sure was going to follow, but did "just in case" this was our chance.
When test time came, I was terrified. I took the test early on a Sunday morning. Clint and Jude were still sleeping and our friend, Kyle, who stayed overnight was as well. When I saw the result was positive....I started hyper-ventilating and then was in denial. Over the past year I had gone through TONS of tests and the expense was becoming out of control. So, I kept saying that because it was an off brand test, that it must be wrong. When Clint woke up for church, I told him that I wasn't going to church...that I wasn't feeling well. I really wasn't....like I said I was hyper-ventilating and I was a mess of nerves by that time...so I was not lying to get out of going to church. I love going to church as a family. Kyle left shortly after to head back home and as soon as he pulled out of the driveway, I packed Jude up and headed out the door to get more tests! After three more positive name-brand tests...I was thrilled!
I had purchased a shirt for Jude that said "Big Brother" on it about seven months prior because I was that confident that I would get pregnant quickly. Luckily, the shirt still fit! That night, we had Selection Sunday and since Clint's football team had made the play-offs, it was a big day. All the players, parents, some fans and our family went to the school to see the announcement of who the New Lothrop Hornet's would face in the first round. I drove seperate and had Jude in his shirt with a rain coat over it. I went to the auditorium and after Clint spoke to the crowd, I went to meet him after everyone dispersed. I asked Clint to take off Jude's rain coat...that it seems uncomfortable. He did. I asked if he liked his new shirt and he said "yeah, it's cool" thinking that I meant the hood that was attached to it. I asked "did you see what the front says?" He looked again and was in disbelief and was over joyed!
I set up a doctor's appointment right away to confirm that everything was good. They ordered an ultrasound for that week to ensure there was only one, single baby since the Clomid increased the chances for multiples. Even after getting confirmation that everything looked normal and healthy, I was still uneasy. I still thought it was too good to be true. I thought for sure I would have a miscarriage, even though I had never had one before. I just thought that because of all the medication I was on, something was sure to go wrong.
After a few more appointments and hearing the heartbeat, I began to feel more at ease.
I had to tell a few people an alternate version of this story because I was so sure that I was just getting my hopes up or that I would miscarry. There were people who knew that we were trying and that it was just about test time...but until getting confirmation from the ultrasound...I didn't want to tell anyone anything quite yet and they were asking lots of questions. I didn't want to tell people I was pregnant, then go to the doctor and not hear a heartbeat and then have questions come up like "how is the baby?" Get it? So hopefully, they understand after reading this.
Anyways, we didn't "announce" for quite some time, as we were both very nervous. We told close friends and family only. Then finally, just recently actually...we told the world.
So, that has been what has kept me away from my blog so long. Straight up stress! No more excuses though...I am back and ready to get back to my projects and posting about them. There may not be much painting involved in my upcoming projects...and if there is...I will be equipped with a face mask. I hope you are as excited as I am to see what craft, yummy things that 2011 has in store for all of us!
Hope everyone's CHRISTmas was wonderful and that the New Year brings much happiness.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Food for thought
I found this here. I thought it was very relevant and moving.
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a
battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,
The battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret,
greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment
inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,
serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute
and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a
battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,
The battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret,
greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment
inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,
serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute
and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Be at peace.
Today was the funeral of my husbands step-brother, Nate. It was a very sad and emotional time for everyone. He was 30 years young. I cannot imagine the emotions and feelings that Chuck, my husbands step-father, must be feeling. It really shows me how being a parent is such an important, meaningful role that we play in our children's life and how much are children truly mean to us.
From the day we learn about the conception of our child, we already are able to list the hopes and dreams we have for them even before we know their gender or even have their names chosen. We never doubt what our kids may be able to achieve. We hope and pray that no negative influence come in the way of these dreams. We wish them happy lives filled with success, a loving wife/husband and of course, we want the grandchildren as well. When we realize that we are unable to see those things take place, I can only imagine the terrible feeling that must be.
When something pulls our child off a great path, it's hard to say what is the best way to intervene. Is it tough love or do we keep letting them make mistakes over and over again with the hope that they will "snap out of it"...? There is no right answer. A parent who uses tough love and loses a child may say that they shouldn't have; or that they could've done more. On the other hand, the parent that loses a child after forgiving and helping their child over and over again may say that tough love would have done the trick. There is no way to know. As parents we do what we feel is best for our child. It's easy to say in retrospect, maybe I should have done this or tried that. In reality, we do what we can and we try our best to ensure the well being of our children. No one has the right answer but God himself.
At the funeral, Chuck spoke about unconditional love and the importance of telling the people you care about, especially your children, how much you love them. Please do so.
I hope that you can all keep Chuck and the rest of the Brink family in your prayers.
From the day we learn about the conception of our child, we already are able to list the hopes and dreams we have for them even before we know their gender or even have their names chosen. We never doubt what our kids may be able to achieve. We hope and pray that no negative influence come in the way of these dreams. We wish them happy lives filled with success, a loving wife/husband and of course, we want the grandchildren as well. When we realize that we are unable to see those things take place, I can only imagine the terrible feeling that must be.
When something pulls our child off a great path, it's hard to say what is the best way to intervene. Is it tough love or do we keep letting them make mistakes over and over again with the hope that they will "snap out of it"...? There is no right answer. A parent who uses tough love and loses a child may say that they shouldn't have; or that they could've done more. On the other hand, the parent that loses a child after forgiving and helping their child over and over again may say that tough love would have done the trick. There is no way to know. As parents we do what we feel is best for our child. It's easy to say in retrospect, maybe I should have done this or tried that. In reality, we do what we can and we try our best to ensure the well being of our children. No one has the right answer but God himself.
At the funeral, Chuck spoke about unconditional love and the importance of telling the people you care about, especially your children, how much you love them. Please do so.
I hope that you can all keep Chuck and the rest of the Brink family in your prayers.
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