Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Maybe, maybe not.

As the due date draws nearer, I am more consumed by the what if that is still in the back of my mind.  I say back of my mind....which is where it was (honestly) for quite some time, but as it gets closer I find the thoughts and worries creeping closer and closer to the front of it.  I keep finding myself thinking about it more and more and how it will change the dynamic of our family if our sweet Gwenyth does in fact have Down's Syndrome.  I have been trying to prepare myself...but how do you really do it? 

I have always been a believer of signs and I feel like something is telling me to prepare myself.  I don't know whether it is just because I know that the possibility is there that I am noticing it more or if its just that I have an increased awareness but I feel like I am coming into contact or being presented with children with Down's more and more. 

For example, while in Florida at a resort I saw a family at the pool who had an infant with Down's Syndrome.  The family looked as though they were having a wonderful time as their beautiful little girl watched the older kids in the pool happily from her stroller.  I have to shamefully admit that my first reaction to seeing the little girl and her family was compassion and pity.  I felt so bad that the little girl wasn't healthy for her own sake and for what it meant for her family.  Seconds later, I thought to myself "how is this any different than any other family?"  They were having what seemed like a normal, fun filled family vacation like every other family that was there.  I told myself.....I can do this.

When we got home, I was watching a TV program featuring Albert Pujols who is a famous baseball player who does amazing work on and off the field.  He works very closely with children with Down's Syndrome.  Each year he organizes a prom for kids with Down's.  It told his story and his connection to the syndrome.  His wife's daughter, whom he considers his own has Down's.  It was obvious that he absolutely adored his little girl and was passionate about providing these children with an event that to healthy kids would be considered normal.  As soon as I saw the program was about Down's Syndrome, my heart dropped a little.  I thought...this must be another sign.  This must mean God is trying to prepare me, right?  I paused the program about three minutes into it and called Clint into the room.  I didn't disclose my fears or thoughts.  I just rewound the program to the beginning and said let's watch this.  It was inspiring.  It put me more at ease again.  I thought...there are so many opportunities and experiences out there that I need to explore.

Lastly, today I received my monthly Parents magazine.  On the back cover is a precious little girl featured in the Pampers ad that obviously has Down's Syndrome.  Was this another sign? 

I may be crazy.  But this is just how my mind works.  It is something I sometimes wish I could change about myself....but I can't.  I am wired to look very very very deep into things.  I analyze every aspect of every situation til I am worn out.  I do it til my brain cannot take anymore til it finds something else to consume itself with.  Do the signs I am noticing mean anything?  Maybe, maybe not.

So in putting my thoughts down...what have I learned?  I learned that regardless of what the outcome is, we can truly give our child the most normal childhood possible.  I know myself and I know my husband well enough that we will take on whatever we are dealt head on and do it to the best of our ability.  Am I saying that I am not afraid or that I am not constantly hoping that everything will be alright?  No.  Obviously, every parent wants the most healthy child possible.  I just know that we will make it.  No matter what....we can do anything together.

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