I know there has been a large gap in time since the last time I posted anything to my blog. I am ashamed. I know that I said I would get better about it but I have made a vow to really put forth more effort now that a lot of stress has left my life.
Let me explain....
My husband and I had been trying to conceive another miracle for over a year and were facing our share of problems. It was a stressful time and since the issues were my own, there was a lot of guilt involved. As a wife who wasn't able to give her husband what he wanted, another child, I began to feel inadequte regardless of the support my wonderful husband showed.
My doctor recommended that I try Clomid. I had three chances to get pregnant. If none of those doses worked they would recommend that I go a more invasive route. I had to begin with (10) pills at the start of the process, had a waiting period and then had to continue with (4) more days of pills. Then there was a (10) day period of baby making. Finally came the grueling part..waiting to see if it had worked. I must say that I was overly confident that it would work the first time around. Therefore, when it didn't I was overwhelmed with disappointment. The whole process is one full of emotions and tough on a marriage. After locking myself away and crying for days...I pulled myself together the best I could and tried to be positive about the next round. Again....when it didn't work I was devastated. I was an emotional wreck. I then decided that I needed to accept that we were already thoroughly blessed to have a child, let alone a beautiful, healthy child. I had basically given up on the idea we would ever be a family of four (or more). I know that others struggle with fertility issues and never conceive at all, so I was grateful to have Jude. I was hesitant about even doing the last dose because I was scared of the disppointment that I was sure was going to follow, but did "just in case" this was our chance.
When test time came, I was terrified. I took the test early on a Sunday morning. Clint and Jude were still sleeping and our friend, Kyle, who stayed overnight was as well. When I saw the result was positive....I started hyper-ventilating and then was in denial. Over the past year I had gone through TONS of tests and the expense was becoming out of control. So, I kept saying that because it was an off brand test, that it must be wrong. When Clint woke up for church, I told him that I wasn't going to church...that I wasn't feeling well. I really wasn't....like I said I was hyper-ventilating and I was a mess of nerves by that time...so I was not lying to get out of going to church. I love going to church as a family. Kyle left shortly after to head back home and as soon as he pulled out of the driveway, I packed Jude up and headed out the door to get more tests! After three more positive name-brand tests...I was thrilled!
I had purchased a shirt for Jude that said "Big Brother" on it about seven months prior because I was that confident that I would get pregnant quickly. Luckily, the shirt still fit! That night, we had Selection Sunday and since Clint's football team had made the play-offs, it was a big day. All the players, parents, some fans and our family went to the school to see the announcement of who the New Lothrop Hornet's would face in the first round. I drove seperate and had Jude in his shirt with a rain coat over it. I went to the auditorium and after Clint spoke to the crowd, I went to meet him after everyone dispersed. I asked Clint to take off Jude's rain coat...that it seems uncomfortable. He did. I asked if he liked his new shirt and he said "yeah, it's cool" thinking that I meant the hood that was attached to it. I asked "did you see what the front says?" He looked again and was in disbelief and was over joyed!
I set up a doctor's appointment right away to confirm that everything was good. They ordered an ultrasound for that week to ensure there was only one, single baby since the Clomid increased the chances for multiples. Even after getting confirmation that everything looked normal and healthy, I was still uneasy. I still thought it was too good to be true. I thought for sure I would have a miscarriage, even though I had never had one before. I just thought that because of all the medication I was on, something was sure to go wrong.
After a few more appointments and hearing the heartbeat, I began to feel more at ease.
I had to tell a few people an alternate version of this story because I was so sure that I was just getting my hopes up or that I would miscarry. There were people who knew that we were trying and that it was just about test time...but until getting confirmation from the ultrasound...I didn't want to tell anyone anything quite yet and they were asking lots of questions. I didn't want to tell people I was pregnant, then go to the doctor and not hear a heartbeat and then have questions come up like "how is the baby?" Get it? So hopefully, they understand after reading this.
Anyways, we didn't "announce" for quite some time, as we were both very nervous. We told close friends and family only. Then finally, just recently actually...we told the world.
So, that has been what has kept me away from my blog so long. Straight up stress! No more excuses though...I am back and ready to get back to my projects and posting about them. There may not be much painting involved in my upcoming projects...and if there is...I will be equipped with a face mask. I hope you are as excited as I am to see what craft, yummy things that 2011 has in store for all of us!
Hope everyone's CHRISTmas was wonderful and that the New Year brings much happiness.