Tuesday, January 11, 2011

My brave face is fake.

I put on this brave face and have tried not to talk about it over the last few days but I am terrified for our appointment tomorrow for our ultrasound and meeting with the specialist.  I keep thinking over and over what could have skewed the results of the blood screening; something I ate, incorrect due date, etc.  Another thing that I am hoping it may be is the fact that I may have Gestational Diabetes again as I did with my first pregnancy.  I was tested right after finding out I was pregnant again (at about five weeks) because I was high risk.  I was told I would be tested again later on in my pregnancy, which hasn't happened yet.  I am hoping that I have it and that is the reason my blood work came back the way that it did.  I have read a few articles online which said that it is a possibility.  I don't want to get my hopes up yet. 

I keep prepping myself that it may in fact come back not in our favor.  Clint and I discussed whether I would be able to continue with school (getting my 2nd Bachelors in Education), get a job or whether our child would need my constant supervision.  Also, I have thought about what therapies we may have to consider, schooling, who will be capable of babysitting if other health conditions exist, who will take care of our child if Clint and I are to pass away...?  Another aspect I think about is how I would respond if anyone ever treated my child negtively.  There are so many questions. 

We do not know anyone who is raising a child with Down's Syndrome so I feel I have no one to ask how the experience is.  I sometimes wonder if I am thinking too much about it all together.  Maybe it is much like raising a perfectly healthy child?  I don't know.  I have read other blogs where parents have a child with Down's Syndrome, but the ones I have read do not discuss the questions I have above.  If anyone knows of a resource like the one I am looking for....can you point me in that direction?  I would appreciate it.

There is one blog that I read the day we met with my doctor.  I read it late at night and sobbed.  It's truly a beautiful birth story from a mother, Kelle, who had no idea her child had Down's Syndrome until she actually gave birth.  Initially, she was the only one who noticed that something just wasn't right.  Her story is documented with beautiful, honest photos as she had a friend who is a photographer like herself take of the experience.  The The blog is called Enjoying the Small Things and can be found here.  I can only hope that we have the support that this family received upon the birth of their child.  I get a lot of inspiration from this blog.

Please---continue to pray for us.

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